Can’t feel anything (sort of)

Is that symptomatic of something wrong too?

The usual things that used to get an emotional reaction from me, now return a hollow response. There’s no emotional resonance at all. The feeling is basically indifference. I tried testing myself in various ways, to see if I was actually merely repressing some feelings, but nope, the same reaction – not giving a damn – keeps coming up.

At the same time I have a real antipathy to all the work. It’s not like I hate The Job or anything – it’s important, and vital that I keep up with the volume – but once I think of the workload, I have quite a visceral reaction to it. And unsurprisingly, I haven’t got much done.

I don’t understand why this is happening. I have no problems being alone – in fact I welcome the weekends when I’m free to just be by myself and do what I want (or just nothing at all) without any pressure to be someplace I’d rather not be, or be with people I’d rather take a break from right at that moment. But I just can’t seem to get started on work. Is it that I actually need to emotionally immerse myself in work in order to be motivated to plough through it?

And another thing – I don’t really have feelings for people anymore, I mean normal feelings, whether positive or negative affect. I don’t hate people or anything; I just don’t feel like I need to consider their emotional state when they come to my mind anymore. I don’t feel sad or bad when I think of how some friendships aren’t genuine or have weakened or actually never existed, but life just has to go on and it doesn’t really matter. And that a workplace is fundamentally a place of work with people who perform a function just like me.

I hope I’m not turning into an unfeeling person. Actually, as I’m writing this, I don’t really feel that being called ‘unfeeling’ is particularly bad. One can be called worse things, yes?

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