Affectations

Is there such a thing as affecting being emo?

Maybe when part of you yearns for the nostalgia of angst?

When maybe deep down you’ve actually moved on, come to terms with things, but the mind desperately wants to keep on to…what? And why?

Maybe it’s fear of the future. Or just maybe, it’s fear of letting go of fear. That, after so long, fear’s become family, a part of you inseparable, a necessary evil. That letting go is some twisted form of betrayal.

V says I overthink things. Maybe I do. But maybe it’s my way of work of working things out.

Why are there so many maybes? Why am I so uncomfortable with all the maybes?

The more I question, the more I only get – more questions.

The spring festival holiday ends tonight, and then it’s back to work. I should pour myself into preparations, but here I am, apparently stuck in this emotional or mental merry-go-round. Ed’s has a three-day reprieve.  I should cherish the next three days, but here I am, apparently trying to grapple with all these thoughts within me.

ES approached me to write a reference for The Job. Hopes to be third time lucky. I can barely believe it’s been ten years since she was one of my charges. I hope my words do my feelings justice.

That’s what we do, you know. Help people. Which makes it hurt so bad when you have to make the decision not to do so, for some people, even though at some level you really really want to, but at another level you know you did the right thing, and moving on means leaving some things behind, sometimes forever. And yet somehow wanting to be haunted by memory, visited always by good feelings, even though they were merely self-manufactured.

Is there such a thing as a good delusion? Apparently, there is. Or maybe true growth is to be able to look back at the delusion for what it really is, and say, well, okay, whatever, and then what? As in, I know our friendship was just a delusion, but for some strange reason I can juggle two conflicting thoughts at the same time, that on the one hand, I really really want us to be true friends, but on the other hand it doesn’t really matter cos life goes on.

Don’t get me wrong. I am sick of being on this merry-go-round too.  I want to be off it, because there are really more important things to be done and this is just a distraction from them. But then I start to wonder, maybe I haven’t really come to terms with it, but if that’s the case, why am I not emotionally in turmoil? Typing this, I’m calm. I’m not ’emotionally screwed up’, like I told her eight months ago. I’m quite a different person. Okay, maybe different only in some key ways, but I’ve definitely changed and grown.

Right now,  a part of me is pretty disgusted with myself, for going on and on like some whiny teenager. Oh would you please give it a rest? You know exactly what you need to do to move on – indeed, you have moved on – but for some silly reason you think it’s cool to dwell in this pseudo-angsty mood or whatever. It isn’t cute anymore, because you’re not seventeen anymore. And what’s worse is that you know it. So you’re afraid of what’s to come, of really growing  beyond getting stuck. Who isn’t? Isn’t this precisely what it’s been all about, to find out what lies in store in the unknown? Why go through all the effort and the trouble to break through the stagnation and then, what, stop? Because you’re afraid? If so, of what?

Maybe I’m afraid I can, will, definitely, someday, be happy.

Maybe my faith scares me.

Maybe I’m scared that beneath all this I’m just a goddamn hypocrite, spouting mere words, worth nothing.

Maybe I’m scared my faith is just blind faith, a child’s naivete made flesh.

Life’s too short to quibble about small things. One should turn his heart and mind to the essentials. Trouble is, different people have different ideas of what’s essential. I’m afraid I’m held hostage by what other people deem essential, not consciously of course, but social pressure is a formidable force precisely because it exerts itself so invisibly.

Maybe it’s normal from time to time, to have your faith questioned, to question your faith. Because it clarifies and purifies? Makes you stronger, clears things up? I don’t know.

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