All the way to the end

“All the way to the end. No matter what. All the way to the end.”

– Laura Roslin, BSG “Daybreak Part II”

Faith is a funny thing. There are moments when you feel you really don’t have it, that it’s slipping away from you, slowly but surely, and then it turns up in the most unexpected of places.

I gotta admit, I was dreading Christmas this year. Not knowing how I’d cope after eight and a half years and then suddenly flying solo again. At first I thought it’d be me and John McClane again, like good old times, but then John invited me to share in the little turkey dinner with his girl and Rain and we ended up KTVing for a while after. Totally unexpected. But it was a thoughtful gesture and I hope he knows I’m thankful.

It may sound silly to say this, but nowadays when I close my eyes and think about what it really means to be alone again, there’s a calmness, a peace that wasn’t there before. Maybe I am beginning to be okay again. Maybe it has really started to heal. Today I woke up and saw WX’s whatsapp Christmas greetings. I really didn’t expect that. So I replied, and as I’m writing this I’m wondering what if one day, sooner than I’d expected, I’d wake up and think about her and it doesn’t hurt anymore? There’s no more pain but just good feelings, a quiet blessing that she’d be okay and happy and my very best wishes for her? I think it happened to me a few days ago.

I may not have everything figured out yet, but I know I do care for you in some way, and there’s nothing I’d like more than to be on speaking terms with you again, but that’s something we have to come towards together, and if right now isn’t the right moment, then so be it.

The miracle of Christmas is the miracle of faith. When you don’t quite know how you can do it but you actually can. And it teaches you, shows you you can. Faith isn’t afraid of the truth. It enriches and is enriched by the truth, and by the abiding belief that in its own power you are set free and soaring. We are called to faith, not the other way around. It is a gift to us, for us, which we hardly deserve. And our response to this calling is to be true to ourselves, and to those whom we are called to be gifts towards, so that in our actions, in faith, we are realised in others as they are realised in us. What this calls for is no less a rededication of our lives to the truth, for our faith which brings us the courage to be the light in the lives of those we are ordained to touch, however briefly.

There is a plan, and we may not know what our part is in this grand scheme, but in faith it will be revealed to us, and it will be good as we aspire to faith and to the good.

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