Archive for October, 2012

The night before submission time

October 28, 2012

And as usual, I’m a little nostalgic.

It’s that feeling of tremendous relief mixed with a bit of sadness and a tinge of nostalgia. That we never had enough time. That we could have done things a little better. A lot better.

Maybe I’m getting old.

And everything is so confusing right now. The speech I had been so enthusiastic to write, is now an albatross around my neck. I find myself unsure about the MSc. About leaving The Job. About basically everything. It’s like being paralyzed from doing anything out of fear.

In two months it’ll be another year. When I’m not even done making sense of this one. How to live like a zombie numbing oneself to everything, or leave everything and not caring a whit about anything?

Is there a method without madness? I don’t know.

I suppose everyone deals with his mid-life crisis his own unique way. I don’t want to look back and be that guy who lived a life of ‘quiet desperation’. And yet there’s something to be said for good old stability, right? Marking at Ed’s, gym three times a week, Friday dinners with V, reading, following my shows, the occasional forays to Above&Beyond sets, and…what? What earth-shattering contribution have I made in all this routine? Starbuck’s biggest fear is ‘to be forgotten’. But isn’t that everyone’s existential fear? Even you with the 2.5 kids and the dual income and the choice between upgrading the car or the condo.

Does it mean that just because I’m not meant for a suburban lifestyle that I need to make some earth-shattering contribution, to feel needed, useful, able to make and leave a lasting legacy?

It’s a mid-life crisis all right.


Closure vs unfinished business

October 11, 2012

When you think about it, it does feel a little weird, not being part of the grad cohort this year. What with the grad days today and tomorrow. There’s a sense of completion and closure that you just don’t get with the juniors. With them, it feels like there’s unfinished business. Which in a way there is.

Like a lot of things in my life right now.

Hope tomorrow goes well.

78.3 – and still a ways to go

October 10, 2012

Been a while since the last update. Marking promos. Having to deal with PeeDoubleU. Continuing to exercise, starting not to be a fan of dinner. Now at 78.3. A little more to go. One speech due next week, one hearing due this week. Good days and bad days. The fall season has opened. Registration for RSIS’ Masters programmes opens next month.

It doesn’t feel like the end of the year’s approaching, what with all the stuff that’s coming thick and fast. Couldn’t run today but trying to keep my eyes open typing this, between marking at Ed’s.

Knowing how things are, they’ll soon come by in a rush and next thing I know, the holidays will be upon us. A time to take stock and reflect on what’s made up 2012 for me. A time to think seriously about change and real growth.