Having a little crisis of faith

Having a little crisis of faith. At least I think that’s what it is. I’ve felt myself sliding; the enthusiasm wearing off and the grind just beginning to wear me down. I know changing myself is a good thing; I can see and feel the positive effects. It’s just frustrating when you don’t see things around you changing. So I begin to wonder: what’s the point? I keep trying but ultimately whatever I do only benefits me, but my impact on my charges is negligible at best. I can’t see dramatic changes; I don’t even dare to say there’ve been slight changes. It’s become business as usual again. And that’s pretty discouraging for me. I know the old saw that you can’t change anything but yourself. But surely people look and expect to see changes in their environment as well? Is it that difficult to be optimistic? Or maybe I’m just not the type who can see the glass as half full? I don’t know. Maybe working at being optimistic is like losing weight – slowly, one kg at a time.

Dined with YS on Monday. At first everything was great but then the conversation slowly shaded into work and…it could have ended better. And that’s the thing. Is it old me creeping in again? Because two weeks ago I would never have led the convo towards work. How do I stop myself from slipping? Today I had to dress Cookierella down and I really felt lousy for doing it but it had to be done – to have let it slide could have led to far, far worse consequences. And it rankles that they actually couldn’t fathom that we do the things we do because we care for them. Period. Not about image or reputation or whatever. It’s about them. Period.

Basically it’s been a pretty discouraging week overall. And now the long weekend beckons but I only have lots of marking to look forward to. Right now it’s really hard to see light at the end of the tunnel. If only I can feel, even a little, that all that effort is going to be worth it in the end.

Right now I honestly can’t.


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