Maybe we all have to learn how to forgive ourselves

E paid me a surprise visit today. We decided to have coffee in the cafe. On the way we ran into ML. I acknowledged her but she was sort of in between giving a half-feeble look of recognition and trying to avoid me at the same time. That was just the start of things to come.

So we were having drinks and she walked in a little later. And apparently turned away instead of even acknowledging him. Which he felt was unbecoming and frankly just childish behaviour. Oh well. It got me for a while and then I had to see my charges and it went away.

So why I am writing this here? I guess it’s one of those days when the bear gets you and you have to say, well played bear, and take it on the chin and move on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that speech Lee Adama made in the reimagined BSG during Baltar’s trial. V and I have a ball repeating it during dinner, but today’s incident made it particularly resonant with me, especially the excerpt quoted below:

“This case…this case is built on emotion, on anger, bitterness, vengeance. But most of all, it is built on shame. (looking at his father) It’s about the shame of what we did to ourselves back on that planet. It’s about the guilt of those of us who ran away. Who ran away. And we’re trying to dump all that guilt and all that shame on one man and then flush him out the airlock, and hope that just gets rid of it all. So that we could live with ourselves. But that won’t work. That won’t work. That’s not justice; not to me. Not to me.”

Maybe why I still feel this twinge sometimes is because I haven’t forgiven myself. For being stupid and naive. For holding on to a delusion for so long. For letting myself hold on to the delusion even though deep down I knew there was nothing but couldn’t make myself really accept it, come to terms with it, and deal with it the way I finally did because it was too painful to handle the truth. For making mistakes. For being human.

I think that’s what Lee means. That real justice is for the Colonials to really forgive themselves and not try to make a scapegoat out of Baltar because in forgiving him, they commit the quintessential act of forgiving themselves. And that’s what civilisations, not gangs, do.

Maybe that’s the last Trojan horse for me to break.

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