When you don’t know and it’s still okay

I’m still mulling whether to show SevenNine those verses; I don’t know what they’ll make of it. The drama of the past two days has petered out a bit; I’m less emotional? more settled? about the whole thing. Maybe I’ve made peace with the fact that I can only change myself; they have to decide to make the change if they want to. I have more than once stressed the consequences; I have extended help, support, encouragement, whatever I can do, when needed. I have tempered strictness with care and concern. I don’t wrestle with what more I can do anymore. Maybe that’s what letting them step up really means – pure, simple faith. CM honestly told me today they were busy with other things. I can’t make them priortise what’s important in their lives – only they can do that, because they decide what’s important, for better or worse.

On a different note, it’s interesting when people see me going or returning from the gym, and invariably professing that they’ll join me soon, or get started or something similar. I just smile and say nothing. What is there to say? Encouragement seems pointless if self-will trumps all. We obsess about visibility and forget about quiet determination going about its work unseen and voiceless. I used to hanker about being visible. Now I’d rather be left alone to do my thing, in solitude.

I have not been late for The Job since I started this journey. Another metric that measures nothing for others but loads for me.

Saw one grp from SevenOne today and for the first time when I heard the words ‘we are here for therapy’ I felt really therapied out. Maybe because of the bump in the road. I did what I could, but the heady times of two weeks ago seems a distant memory. Euphoria’s bright sceptre seems to have dimmed. Maybe I was scared all that cheerleading would lead to naught again. Maybe it has evolved into something less euphoric and more sedate but stable. I don’t know. But what touched me was their concern for my health. How I should get more carbs. That was unexpected but another one of lite’s moments that throws us off in a good way I guess.

SH may stay in SG after all; I know she will be okay.

It feels good to not know and still feel okay.


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