Bump in the road (sometimes you’ve got to have a little faith)

Feeling a little annoyed now, and don’t want to feel this way. A little disappointed with SevenNine just now; it’s like they can get high on fun stuff but ask them to step up for serious stuff, and well….

Okay, I know I shouldn’t feel this way, that I should stick to my belief that things will take a while to get better. That’s why I’m a little annoyed with myself for expecting a change in performance so quickly. Why is it that I believe in them but it’s so hard to get out of the rationalist, I’ve-done-my-part-now-I-want-to-see-results mode? I’ve seen them do good work. I know they can do it. And yet….

I really hope I didn’t just undo weeks of good work. They deserve better from me.

[TIME PASSES – ABOUT 5 HOURS]

I never really considered it. Really, I didn’t.

That they would see the new ‘nice’ me as someone they could take advantage of, in the belief that nice people on The Job won’t bear to get angry, won’t be unhappy with poor performance, just content to be part of the tyranny of low expectations, presumably because they don’t want to sour the relationship. Especially when things are going well and everyone is – seemingly – happy.

And all it took was 1 PW consult for it all to come tumbling down. Or has it?

Should I be mad? Hurt? Betrayed? Bemused? Weary, because it was bound to happen; better sooner than later? Less starry eyed? Utterly, utterly stupid – because I was just telling 3 of the 7A alum who came to visit – ET, HJ and WK – how glad I was for making the change, and how they are responding positively?

I admit, for a time I was hurt, betrayed, weary, whatever. And now, typing this, I’m thinking maybe I should take another perspective. Maybe it’s just a few people who think that way; that as long as there’s one person who has resolved to do his/her best, I should continue because they deserve way way better than old me. I am tempted to put down names here; but hold back because I am not sure. (Does it matter that 4 people were absent today?) How to be, after what just happened? Or maybe it doesn’t matter even if everyone thinks like that – it still doesn’t change the fact that I needed to change because what I am doing is right, for both our goods. Old me would have said, told you so, nothing ever changes, you get screwed over because you are innocent and naive and see the good where it doesn’t exist. And old me is still lurking around.

But maybe, just maybe, this is a test of my resolve, of my belief. That’s why I’m not changing the title of this post – it’s still going to be called ‘bump in the road’. Because it is a bump in the road – how could I not have expected their skepticism, their reservations? Maybe this is an act after all, and he will be back to his old self once the first roadblock is encountered? But I cannot go back. To go back is to face death, sheer, utter nullity. They have every right to be skeptical; I don’t. Anyway, if this IS the right way to go, then it is the right way no matter what reception I get. And something deep down tells me things have changed in a deeper, more meaningful way. They KNOW what it is to give their best. Maybe it’s their first encounter with something they have never encountered before, so it’s easy to get sucked back into the old ways. I know this first hand.

So maybe this just makes me want to try harder, or do my best (if ‘harder’ has somewhat the lurkings of obsession about it) at the very least. They can tire; they are entitled to it, being callow youth after all. I cannot. I will not. For there is no alternative, no looking back.

I’m not exactly a looker as a pillar of salt.

Speaking of more pleasant things, I wish I could have spent more time with ET, HJ and WK. They don’t come back very often, and there’s so much to say, to catch up on. I admit I almost didn’t want to go to consult because 30 minutes is so not enough. But now, writing this, I am reminded that our time is limited; there is never enough time. So I should be glad to have shared what I did, to hear the little I heard, because it does make the next meeting that much sweeter, that much more treasured. And anyway, they are on FB, we could connect more if we wanted. TS also dropped by while we were talking; she’s going to Coventry this fall. 2 generations of 7A meet, serendipitously.

It’s coming up to 5. I’m going to end this post here and get to gym. I made this change, and I will stick by it. I will get by the bump in the road.

Sometimes, all that matters is that you’ve got to have a little faith (okay I think I’ll add this to the title after all:)

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