So I’ve told her

And predictably she’s shocked and scared. And we probably won’t be friends anymore. But I think it’s for the best. That, and telling the truth. Whatever happens, it means I won’t have to hide anymore. It’ll be painful, but liberating. I hope.

Vic asked me yesterday what exactly do I want. And I said I wanted to make some contribution to the world. But I also want to have someone who live life with, someone who loves me as much as I love her. And have a family together. I look around me, and everyone’s building families, and they seem happy. When I was a teenager, I looked around me, and everyone was in a relationship, and they seemed happy. Then I was the odd one out, and now I still am. I’ve never written about my terrible childhood, of love I never really felt, and some part of me knows it’s better that I remain alone, and not have the terrible legacy of history repeat itself, but there’s another part of me that wants the cycle broken, that wants what everyone has.

I spent the day feeling emotionally wrecked; it’s 7 past 10 pm at night now, a Saturday. Ed has closed up for the night and taken his family home. The coffeeshop is quiet now, amid the detritus of empty and cans and glasses. The loungers sit at the back nursing their beers, and as I write this, I contemplate going home to my empty house, my computer and marking. And I feel at peace. No more a raging sea of fierce feelings tearing at me like during the day. There’s a calm, now, and I hope I can get some marking done tomorrow.

So it’s off home, now.

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