What was I expecting?

So finally the day comes, the day to give the gift, and predictably it gets ruined because she was more interested in recalling the sign-off than just being grateful for the gift. The issue is, I don’t know why I’m so mad or hurt or sad or resigned or whatever. I KNEW something like this would happen. I thought I could deal with it. I guess I’m still a long long way off from letting the reality get to me. I mean, I’m less disappointed she forgot the sign-off; I never expected her to give a damn about something with significance only in my head, but to dwell on this ‘puzzle’ and insisting I tell her what it means, rather than just simply appreciating the sentiment of being given a gift – it rankles. Not because it was carefully planned, with a lot of thought put into it, and anticipation leading up to the giving of it. I thought some simple gratitude would at least, could at least be expected.

I guess it’s true – when they don’t give a damn about you, when you ultimately don’t matter to them except when they need you to do something for them, this is how they will react, whether you do the nicest thing or the worst thing. NOTHING I DO MATTERS TO HER BECAUSE I DON’T MATTER TO HER. PERIOD. NEVER DID. NEVER WILL.

I feel terrible right now – terrible because I knew something like this would happen and yet still CHOSE to go through with it. Terrible because I’m still feeling lousy when I know deep down I shouldn’t be surprised at her reaction. Terrible to think I could actually presume she would react even in the simplest way of not ruining a nice gesture.

Right now my hurt and my gut reaction is not to have anything to do with her anymore. Yes it’s stupid to make such a big deal of something she doesn’t even find important to react appropriately to, but I can’t deal with this emotional reaction of wanting her to realise and appreciate everytime I do something just for her, and getting terribly disappointed when she doesn’t react in the ‘right’ way.

In time, this too will pass. So maybe I should just let it go, simply because there wasn’t anything there to hold on to to begin with.

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